Wherein things come together better than anticipated

Sometimes when life gets heavy, we tuck ourselves in under a blanket. we hibernate until we are stronger, until we regain the confidence to exert ourselves - finding that thin, shimmering thread of extravertedness which we must cultivate, else becoming swallowed by the self absorption named self preservation. But when we follow that thread, when we take the bold move of following where it might lead, one brave step into what Might Be, that is where reward can be found.

And sure, I know that my small brave steps are insignificant in the grand, universal scale of what really matters. But if we are to change anything, we must start with these small, bold steps, and allow those rewards to kindle the next.

Sunday was my first race with my new team. An all women team - made up of some of the kindest, happiest group of women I could have hoped to dream up. And I can't wait to get to know them better, as I work on letting down my own walls and learning how to be more approachable myself. We raced, I raced, gosh darnit! for the first time, Really, in about two years. I was focused! I put my head down and went for it. I found a maintainable pace. For only a portion of only one lap, did the doubt creep in my mind-stream, which was quickly shut down & replaced by a new voice. A voice of confidence. A voice of encouragement. My Own voice, for once, telling me "Yes, I can... just shut up and do it." A new voice that I am hoping to get to know better, as the demands of the racing season increase. I placed an astonishing 8th, in the top 25%! We celebrated after. We basked in the glow as our team mate took 3rd, and saw the wave of accomplishment wash over her. And then gathered that evening for a team BBQ.

We were asked to bring a side or dessert. After much deliberation I settled on a dessert. Figs have been in season, and I've been drooling over tarts and galettes. But perhaps there will be a GF need.. I don't have enough practice with vegan, so I stopped there. I settled on a shortbread crust, thanks to Bob's Red Mill for a delicious GF shortbread mix. I topped that with a thin layer of blackberry jam, frangipane (GF by using some of the shortbread mix to replace the flour) and sliced figs. Bakewell! Maybe. Still not sure if this technically qualifies, but it was gorgeous. Served with fresh blackberries picked up at the farmer's market, and voilà!

This is what I love. Taking concepts, flavors, and melding them together and adjusting to meet a specific need, only to have it turn out even better than you can imagine.. and to be able to share that flavor and experience with others? Especially those who usually have to bypass the desserts and look on as others savor their bite of cake? This is a joyful moment.

Bonne Année!

A new day, a new year, a new decade.

Cheers!

Finale

Adios, two thousand ten.  I want to say good riddance, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.  I want to hate you, for all you hated on me, on us.  But I don't.  I know you didn't set out to shit on us... to break us, to test our patience and fortitude.  But here we are - the year quietly raining to an end.  I am a year older, and this time, a year wiser.  A year stronger.  A year more patient, aware, and focused.  These challenges served to temper my will.  

And so I look to begin a new year, with inner peace, with a healthy respect for the fragility of these bodies that carry our spirit, and for the burden we impose upon our earth.  I will not promise grand and sweeping changes; I will not fret over the superficial milestones I might once have placed; for that is not who I am.  

What I Am, I'm seeing with clearer focus.  What is, what may be.  What is important, and what isn't worth the worry it attempts to demand.  

So, on to next year.  With hope, with strength, with optimism.

Race Prep

The day before...  Checking weather reports, and packing bags.  Running out for those last minute items - stopping at bike shops and food shops and the general store.  Wrapping bars, changing tires, filling flasks.  It's a routine, a ritual, and while these tasks were once a last minute stress, they now calm nerves and inspire.

Checklists?  Check.  Dinner done, and the storm rolls in.  Once again we'll rise early, and be on the road with the sun.  Although it's unlikely we'll see any of it.  Instead, a thick downpour of rain will greet us - the promise of mud, of bogs, of soggy slopes.  Tomorrow is such a day as will eat derailleurs for breakfast, and make a mess of us all. 

We flock to it ~ for this is the stuff that cross is made of.  Fitness be damned - I'm gonna ride.

Please Hold

"Please HOLD, I'll connect you.  Please HOLD, I'll connect you.  Please HOLD, I'll connect you.  Please HOLD, I'll connect you...."  We're stuck in a loop, and the operator to the universe is dropping our call.


I won't lie - the piñata of life that is our 2010 was full of shit.  Nothing to do but keep swinging away at it until it is empty, no?  Maybe there Is a prize with a golden ticket stuck in there somewhere?

But, we are learning just how patient we can be.  How tolerant.  How supportive.  How broken we can be and still cling to humor.  That doesn't mean we aren't sending the universe a big ol' middle finger salute - because we are; both hands, and mean faced.  Did we get the worst of it?  Certainly not.  But if I may cry Uncle - and ask for a reprieve, then I do.  Please, world, back off a bit?

Ups & Downs

This Up is Down:  As a follow on to my last post - I'm happily amazed that I've been able to wrangle my eating habits back in control.  I've been tracking using thedailyplate & quickly adjusted intake volume & made smarter decisions, so that I wouldn't let one splurge turn into a lost day.  Huzzah!  The weight is starting to drop.

This Down is Down, and needs to get up:  Our younger dog injured his neck over the weekend, which led to far too many hours at the emergency vet where there was little we could do to help him.  He finally saw the neurosurgeon, and ended up having surgery.  He's now resting at home, unable to walk or hold himself up - so we're giving constant care, lots of PT, and hoping to see him bounce back. 

Mid year resolutions

As you might notice from the most recent posts, I’ve been on a bit of a Sweets kick. And, I’ll admit, dealing with fibro was a bit like pulling a parachute stop on a healthy lifestyle. Before all that hit, I was in a pretty good place, but I was trying to wing it. Trying to get past those final few pounts to my Ideal Goal Weight. Casino blings & flashy lights. Trying, without wanting to track, or to be That Anal about it. Because I’m smart right? I can do this. But the goal would start to slip… just a little further away… and so I set a high water mark – that if I hit That number, I get serious and Do Something About It. Right.

So, I plateaued just under that value. And I think I had a pretty good balance of mostly healthy & occasional treats. But I wasn’t working out like I used to. And I wasn’t cutting back on food - at all. And then the Full Stop came, and suddenly days roll in to weeks of no exercise. And I’m hungry. And a little bit feeling sorry for myself, and a little bit telling myself that I Deserve a treat. And days accumulated, and I bought shorts a size up. And here, today, two months later, those shorts Barely Fit. And I’ve blown past the high water mark by 10 Pounds. TEN. I mean seriously, what did I Think would happen? Now, I know some of you will size me up and say “you Aren’t Fat.” Or there is no Way I could possibly tip the scales to That degree. I get it. But I can’t let it go on like this. And since this blog is all about me anyway, I get to say No, this isn’t an acceptable trajectory.

So what am I gonna do about it?

One, I’ve contacted a couple friends, and will be more open with them about my progress, as my personal accountability and motivational team.

Two, I’m going to once again track my intake. Because I can’t do it all with fitness (and as a reminder by http://www.fitbodyfix.com/exercise-doesnt-work-for-fat-loss-a-personal-trainers-story/ - fitness alone won’t fix it!) I will focus on the food, and add fitness as I’m able. A little editing, and a little more awareness, and that’ll put me back on track. Thankfully I’ve had my basic metabolic rate measured, so I have some factual data on where my caloric intake baseline needs to be.  In my case, that number is Quite a bit lower than web calculations give!  Even so, I still find TheDailyPlate to be the best resource for quick entry. (For deeper analysis, check out NutritionData – tho you might find you have to upload your food details.)

I wish I could rely on intuitive eating ~ but there are just so many bad habits to fall back on, far too easily.  Even with all the knowledge I have on eating healthfully, there is a lot of pre-programmed baggage that gets in the way.  As for goals?  I know where I want to be.  I could give you a size and a number, but I think this time I need to take that away. To put all the focus on behavior, and let the results follow. I’ll keep an eye on them, but not obsessively. 

One of my challenges is my sweet tooth, and general enjoyment of Really Good Food.  I acknowledge I need to have a little bit of this in my life, and getting back to tracking will help me ensure that I keep this to an appropriate portion of my intake. In my dream-life, I own a bakery that is half splurge, and half healthy but delicious treats. So, this seems like a great time to start exploring and testing out healthy treats that don’t break the caloric budget, so I can fill up that half of the shoppe. Something really delish, that doesn’t feel like you are Settling by eating healthier. Because really, No One loves Carob.

Another challenge is advanced planning. My new menu board keeps track of dinners, and I’m trying to get better about having emergency backup plans that don’t always end in Burgerville. I mean, I love it, but I don’t want to LOOK like I love it ;)

So, Self… good luck. You can do it!