Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Emotional TKO

Years ago, one of my coworker friends was doing a little 'getting to know you' activity. She asked me what my Golden Compass was - some 6 words that would uniquely define me. (This was long before I'd read the golden compass, and it made much more sense once I did.) So I've had a post-it note in my flipper cabinet at work, and every once in a while something will tickle my memory & make me think about it. I'm not sure about the accuracy of these, but they are: Attitude, Character, Enthusiasm, Integrity, Nurture, and Humor. I think Strength, Intensity, and Truth have bubbled to the surface, so I might rework my top six.

And then, early this year, my business group took the Strengths Finder quiz. My strengths are Strategic, Responsibility, Input, Arranger, and Deliberative. As my husband noted, he's not surprised by this list. So between these, I guess I am able to paint a picture to help you understand who I am.

When you combine Strategic, Responsibility, Strength & Intensity, those sum up my track workouts. Well, the part that is missing is pushing me beyond just working hard to working as hard as I can, as long as I can. It is a very demanding & draining activity. Many times my body's emergency response system has kicked in - panic breathing, dizziness, fight or flight reactions, etc. Learning that these can be overcome, and that I'm faster on the other side, has been a bizarre challenge. Meanwhile, work projects are all hitting a critical point at the same time, so my available energy pool has been fairly empty. Thank goodness for friends that are proactive in organizing get togethers, otherwise I'd simply melt away into the sofa and not realize a month (or more) has passed. And for this, I apologize for not being a better friend.

Then, the topper. There was a non-work incident that resulted from poor communication in which one of my golden compass values was questioned. This gutted me. From shock to adrenaline & shaking to wanting to cry and punch and justify myself and argue and finally, to simply shut down. Emotional overload. TKO. I was tapped out. I don't know why I had to learn that lesson(?) in that way, but it took about a week to be able to calm down and deal with the issue rationally. With the help of my husband (immediate assistance) and my new, fantabulous massage therapist, I could return to center.

For as much as I'm learning limits of my muscles, electrolyte balance, oxygen transfer, endurance, and fast twitch muscles... I've also found out more about my emotional limits than I might have wanted to. I'm pushing limits, growing, and letting some things (like this blog) fall by the wayside. This weekend is my last big Track race, and then the transition to CX. I'm looking forward to a different kind of intensity, a return to weight training via kettle bells, and Autumn, sweaters, jeans, soups and (hopefully) more time to relax & spend with friends.